my heart is beating real fast and my hands are cold. i am nervous of meeting, talking and getting to know this guy. thoughts are whirling in my head…making me feel nauseated. i am afraid of embarrassment and disappointment. what if i say something silly? what if i don’t fit in his culture? his circle of family and friends?
before last sunday, i was fine in my comfort zone. yes, i longed to know someone intimately…to be in love. loneliness was there but i handled it well with busy work schedule, hanging out with friends and entertainment in movies, songs and writing. but when this guy was introduced into my life, i was put to the edge of my comfort zone. every thing is out of the same order it used to be. now i seem to be slowly falling out of my space…into the unknown…the scary….the never-know-what-to-expect…place. and i am scared.
the same experience happened when i was about to move to chiang-mai. only that time i knew it was God’s will.
how do i know if this guy is God’s will?
i’ve spent time every evening and morning…and other waking moments praying for this situation. yet, God seems quiet. but my friend has already set things up for me. he wanted me to meet his friend on sat night during the church’s music rehearsal so that we can spend more time together. he gave him my cell phone number and i’ve also got his. all i can do is to stare hard at the number…then press cancel. see how freaked out i am?
but isn’t this what life is all about – a step further into an unknown area where God leads us to? like abraham who moved out of ur to the promised land. like when the Lord said that abram would be the father of all nations when he had to borrow his servant’s womb to bear a child. he and sarah laughed all right at the absurdity. but abram followed God and trusted Him…for better or for worse.
shouldn’t i do the same thing? even if i fall out, His arms are there to capture me. there is nothing i should be afraid of. life is a quest…full of adventures. if i get cozy in my comfort zone, how will i ever experience greater things? how will i ever know if there were real dragons, witches, fairies and rescuing prince?
a step out of my door into the adventure. that’s what it takes.
so i’ve made up my mind that….for better or for worse…i won’t fear. that i will boldly step out to meet, talk and get to know this guy. and i will know that i will have done my best…despite the results.
“for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.” phillippians 2:13