i am frustrated. have you ever had this question burning in your heart, “what am i doing here?” i feel of no use to anyone at church. i do not understand the language. and i am just one of those people who needs taken care of. i need translation. i need people to take me home.
i am not used to it. it is frustrating…like i am a handicap. i cannot move freely. when i try to initiate conversation, some see me as one of those city girls. they see me not as a part of them but as someone who comes from another class. when i listen to the word of God, i cannot fully comprehend what is being spoken. this frustrates me the most.
the inability to think, to speak and to act on my own behalf is so disabling. i seem to be subject on other people’s agendas. i am not used to it – this dependency. and it wouldn’t be as discouraging as this if there was someone close to me, who would be by my side…someone who would walk with me through this pain…this struggle…this suffering.
i really do not know what to do at this point. i LOVE these people. and that is why it hurts so much. i want to be able to serve them if i know what their needs are. but right now, there is this high wall of language barrier and of cultural differences that is standing in the way. i do not know how to climb past or break this wall.
my friends at work encourage me, saying that i am learning fast. but i still feel like i am not fast enough. i know that i am getting ahead of and being too harsh of myself. but it is tiring to be dependent on others’ mercy all the time.
the only comfort i can find at this moment is in God’s word. in the time of discouragement, even though the Word seems so lifeless, the truth is – it IS alive. and there is no other choice but to trust in the truth. so here is a psalm from david, “a calm resolve to wait for the salvation of God”:
Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.
One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”
below is a passage from max lucado’s “He chose the nails” that got me to thinking why Jesus did what He did:
when God…became a man, he who was boundless became bound…for more than three decades, his once limitless reach would be limited to the stretch of an arm, his speed checked to the pace of human feet.
i wonder, was he ever tempted to reclaim his boundlessness?…if ever he entertained such thoughts, he never gave in to them…not once did Christ use his supernatural powers for personal comfort… with one word he could’ve transformed the hard earth into a soft bed (or)…paralyzed the hand of the soldier as he braided the crown of thorns. but He didn’t.
why did He not? His love for mankind. it was this love that permitted Him to do so many things a man alone could never do. and for me to keep going on this journey, i need the same love.
please be praying for me….