in december 2010, i was spending time on the road as much as i was at home. i had never traveled so much before in a month, 4 trips from the beginning of the month. all of the places i visited were karen villages. while there, i got to stay with the local people, sleep in their houses, eat in their kitchens and talk in their language. i learned a great deal of the karen culture through these trips.
i have missed blogging. but during the time i was away from computer, i had more time for myself to reflect on the past year and be in the presence of the Lord without distraction or interruption.
i noticed that i have been struggling with anxiety and fear. i never quite noticed it until last month. my nights were usually sleepless and filled with dreams. i continued to fret over things that hadn’t yet happened. then a sentence from francis chan’s book “crazy love” caught my attention. he says,
“both worry and stress reek of arrogance. they declare our tendency to forget we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.” (crazy love, chapter 2)
i had never thought of it that way. but he’s right. i didn’t trust God enough to lay everything down at His feet. i only allowed Him to be a part of me. but God wants all or nothing. but surrender and trust can’t happen just over a night. i have learned over this past week that it will be a continual commitment to let go and let God.
i was reading about the law of sabbath in exodus 23 the other day. the Lord told the israelites to work on the land for 6 years but on the 7th year, they shall let it rest and lie fallow so the poor and beasts may gather from the crops. talk about not doing anything for 1 whole year! talk about complete surrender and trust! what if one day God called me out of work at compassion and told me to quit my job, move back home and do nothing for a year, would i trust Him for the provision He’ll make?
even though i am aware of this conviction, it is still difficult not to go back to the habitual stress. for example, today while we’re riding on a bus from tak to chiang-mai, i was fretting over the fact that i’d get back home late into the evening and would have no time to do laundry, clean and rest. and that tomorrow, i would be so exhausted on the 1st day back to work. i was also worrying about how i would start working in the new position. the fear of inadequacy haunted me. i was cornered in…
but the Word of God splashed the light into the dark. philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” He has been telling me to trust and rest…and He will continue to do so until i am totally surrendered to Him.
so this is my prayer – that each day, i will practice this “surrender and trust”. when problems arise or anxiety hits, i will immediately turn them into prayer. i want more of God. and i cannot experience the fullness that He can offer unless i put myself in a vulnerable position where He has to come through for me. it is no good trying to “have it together”, ” be on top of everything” and “keep things under control” all the time. Jesus wasn’t born, died and rose again so that i can live a safe life.
with God, it is to be full of unexpected adventures. one thing for sure, though, is that as we go WITH GOD, we can expect to experience the living we were created for.
p.s. i will write more about my trip to umpang and post some pictures tomorrow.