life gets hard when you are on your own; when someone is intentionally mean to you and not so understanding and when you have to deal with stress and frustration all in one day.
mom taught me that whenever i get stressed out, i should throw the stress away and eat. i think it is a good idea. at least, it’ll shut my mouth from saying whatever i’ll regret.
i know…i sound not so very nice right now. i might take things too seriously. i have been pushing myself at work very hard. with the new job comes new responsibilities. i feel like i am always catching up with things. and the scripture where Jesus says that “My burden is light” doesn’t fit so well with me nowadays. there are lots of deadlines, which, to me, are like a time bomb. everyday it’s ticking….just waiting for the time it explodes.
such an ironic comparison to my stress level.
i’ve been piling the pressure and frustration in my heart. now i’m feeling it. and it’s wearing me out physically and mentally. i’m not sure if i’m imagining it, but i’ve been having a terrible headache since afternoon, my neck is achy and my stomach is queasy. i feel like throwing up…
i need a breath of fresh air. but where? i don’t know which would be a better idea; take a day off to rest (and this is just monday…after a weekend) or work hardcore during this time of adjustment until i get what i need to do down. where is the balance?
this evening, tired and dizzy, i got on the truck and told the driver to drop me off at the nawarat bridge where my apartment was located. he took the usual route until he crossed another bridge. that was when everything went wrong. i knocked on the back window to let him know that he was going the wrong way but he ignored me. eventually, he stopped at the nawarat bridge but it was on the opposite side of my apartment. i needed to walk 10 minutes to get home, which on any other day it would be just fine. what got me upset was his reaction when i mentioned to him that i wanted to get off on the other side. he said, “any side is just the same”. “HOW COULD IT BE THE SAME??!!”, i screamed inside. so i gritted my teeth and asked, “will you go back to the other side?” of course, his reply was “no”. i, then, thrust the 20 baht bill into his hand and abruptly walked away. i could only walk half way through the bridge when i had to stop to cry and get myself together. i was furious…so much so that it scared me.
it wasn’t so much of his fault, to be honest. and i need to ask for God’s forgiveness for being so mad at him. the current circumstances with tasks waiting in line makes it almost impossible to lay them down and let go. i’m being way too hard on myself even though i don’t want to be. i feel the urgent need to put everything under control as soon as possible because there is a lot at stake. if it was just me alone as a stakeholder, i wouldn’t care about it this much. but this is a professional job with real expectation and customers. did you notice something? i just said “put everything under control”.
how soon i forget to rely on God and trust in Him! didn’t i just post about surrender and trust only last week? it is so easy to forget God when all i want to do is to throw fits and find someone to blame. over the weekend, i had a blast with the Lord. i remember that on saturday morning when i was half-awake, half-asleep, i had to jump out of the bed because i wanted to have time alone with Jesus. then came the 1st day of work. stress. unfinished tasks. being overwhelmed. time flew by and i barely got anything done, which brought me a sense of failure.
this evening’s reaction caused by stress caught me off guard. it was scary. and it got me to thinking if i’m on the right path where the Lord is pleased. no, i’m not questioning about my new position but rather how i’m handling it. my manager and friend, ying, used to say, “it is not what we can accomplish but what we have become”. how we deal with life situations reflect who we are in Christ. am i prideful and focusing on worldly’s success so i may gain acceptance from colleagues? or am i living humbly so God’s purposes may be accomplished through me? these are questions to chew slowly.
the picture below speaks my heart:
i need to remember that i am only a human who can only do so much. and that through learning and carrying the yoke, in laughter or in tears, i am being transformed into the person God has intended me to be. what did the paul say about hardship again?
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 corinthians 12:9-10)
yes, i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses and senses of failures…for when i am decreased, He is increased.
please pray for me during this transitional period. pray that God’s grace would cover me in all circumstances from now on.