i went home. and something amazing happened. i encountered with God.
i knew that i have been carrying burdens on my shoulders: worries about uncertain future, fear to love again, resentment towards certain people in life and continual sense of failure. but what i didn’t know was that i needed God.
i went to newsong on saturday night with my friend, matt, who came from cambodia to visit. i also met up with p.ja, another friend who i dearly love and miss. we used to hang out a lot when we were still in bangkok. but since we got scattered…me in chiang-mai, matt in cambodia and p.ja in australia (then a few others who are now in america), we never got to go to newsong together anymore. so it was a special night for me.
while waiting for the service to start at 6:30, i was introduced to a girl called “natalia” who came from the country of columbia. she was as joyful as bright-colored flowers and as free-spirited as birds. she spoke english with a tinge of spanish accent. but that even made her more beautiful. she is now in bangkok ministering in the klong toey slum community with the vineyard church. we talked for about 10 minutes and the worship started.
we were called to stand up and sing praises to the Lord. i have been attending the karen church for so long that i actually forgot some of the english songs. i stood there in the midst of people i didn’t know…people who came from canada, america, columbia, korea, thailand and many other countries. surprisingly, i felt right at home. after the 2nd song was over, i suddenly felt exhausted and had to sit dow. i wasn’t sure if i was physically or mentally tired…i just had to sit down. so i snuggled comfortably into a dim corner of the soft couch and closed my eyes to listen to the sound of worship.
“jesus, lover of my soul. jesus, i will never let you go. you’ve taken me from the miry clay. you’ve set my feet upon the rock and now i know….” the singing was swelling like ocean waves in the evening….crashing against the shore of heart. in quietness, i felt the nudge to turn to psalm 62. i was perplexed because it seemed such a random number.
so i whispered back to Him, “are you sure? psalm 62? why such random number?”
“yes, psalm 62 it is.”
i turned and read:
“my soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress. i will never be shaken…
find rest, o my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, i will not be shaken.
my salvation and my honor depend on God,
He is my rock, my refuge.
trust in Him at all times, o people;
pour out your hearts to Him
for God is our refuge…
one thing God has spoken,
two things have i heard:
that You, o God, are strong,
and that You, o Lord, are loving.
surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.”
while i was half-way through, pondering on the word “rest”, “rock” and “refuge”, natalia walked over to me and looked at me gently:
“mink, i just feel that you have been tired. and the Lord wanted me to tell you that you can rest in Him because He is your Rock and your Refuge.”
i was taken aback with surprised. then tears unexpectedly came. all i could do was to hug this messenger of God as tight as i could…like she was the Presence of God herself. the message was significant to me although i wasn’t sure at the time why He chose psalm 62.
rest in the Rock for He is my Refuge – that’s the message.
perhaps He is cleansing me from the clutter of tangled thoughts and concerns. perhaps He is preparing me for the future that is yet to come. i don’t know. but i am holding on to this experience and the message He’s given even though my faith is so slim like a single thread now.
matt told me while we were on a taxi together that his philosophy is to go out in faith whether or not he is confident it is God’s will at the point. so many people have robbed themselves off of the adventures because they were waiting for God’s will to be tangibly revealed. this greatly encouraged me. for i want to live fearlessly. but i have cared too much of what others look at me or think of me. no more. i will ask “what is God thinking of this?” instead of “how will i look if i do this?” and if it’s not right, then He, with loving kindness and grace, will close the door and guide me to a different one.
i, personally, was given a vision to serve the karen people in thailand/ burma. but i’ve been bothered by the question – do you have any solid goals which you are planning to achieve? none. zero. i guess that’s why i constantly have this sense of failure in my heart. people i know seem to do excellent jobs, know where they are going and on top of everything. but i struggle with questions everyday.
but i learned from talking to another friend of mine, kristin, that it is okay to not have goals. to just live one day at a time. to enjoy every moment of it. to give God the glory due Him for now. then He is going to reveal bits by bits of His plan to me. no need to fret over the unseen future. what happens now will direct the course of the future…in the mighty hand of God.
i feel that God is revealing His heart to me. and i don’t want to miss the opportunity. my heart is calloused and torn. and i want Jesus’ love, through His wounds, to heal me. i am going through a phase of life where there are more questions than answers. but i need to TRUST the Spirit to guide me…to help me discover His heart for the world.
last thought. i was watching the left behind series yesterday with my mom and mo. i’ve read the books but not seen the movies yet. so it was exciting for me. there was a part in the tribulation force (the 2nd one) where bruce and other tribulation force members, who got left behind, passionately preached the Gospel to whoever came into their contact. they didn’t timidly approach the people with leaflets in their hands. rather, they spoke with such authority but yet with respect of the Good News and the 2nd chance to repent. they preached Christ with no shame. and that got me to thinking…
am i doing this today? is the church doing her job today? i can answer for myself – no. while i watched the scene, the Spirit impressed upon me that what these guys were doing in the movie was an act of worship. i cannot find words to express it…but it wasn’t out of obligation or forced will. they felt the urgency and they let the Spirit drive them.
how can this happen in me and in the church? how can we stop looking inwardly and turn another direction to where Christ is leading us to?
encountering with God everyday can do. let Him be the Person who makes your heart beat wildly. be aware of His work in every breath you breathe. and be filled and overflowed with the Spirit. let our cups run over so many others will be able to drink deeply from this undying love – Jesus.