alas…my tooth broke. it looks like a jagged cliff with a pool at the bottom. i have had a huge cavity in my wisdom tooth for over 8 years. and i did get filling once. but the condition got worse and i should’ve gone to see the dentist. but i couldn’t get over my fear.
have you ever been afraid of something or someone when you were young? have you experienced the fear was so intense that the power of it made you cry? some may say they’re afraid of darkness, of narrow space or height. but my worst fear, beyond the fear of rejection, is the fear of dental care.
as far as i can remember, i never had a terrible experience of going to see a dentist. it was all fun with toys to play while the doctor examined my teeth. i still ask myself today why i’m so afraid of them. the only reasonable answer i can get is pain.
i can tolerate pain from falling off a chair, knocking my head against a door or even stabbing my thigh against a nail. but the pain related to nerves makes me nervous. the former pain is mostly unintentional and so i don’t hold any responsibility against it (okay, when i was responsible when i disobeyed my mom’s order to stay inside and finish my homework. that was when i stabbed my leg against the nail). my point is that it’s an accident. and accidents happen!
on the contrary, tooth cavity is my responsibility. i was supposed to brush my teeth every time after i ate a candy or munched a cookie. i was supposed to visit the dentist twice a year. and when there was a problem, instead of ignoring it, i should’ve rushed to the dental clinic right away instead of leaving it rotten inside my mouth for 6 years. the point is i am afraid of planned pain, if there is such thing. i knew how painful it could get having a tooth pulled out. but how much more for the root canal! and how expensive it would be!
talking about it now makes the inner-me shrinking inside…and a little voice is whispering, “you don’t have to go. it’s okay.” but now it is not okay! there is a thai saying that goes, “unless you see a coffin, you won’t shed a tear.” well, i am just that person. i have seen the coffin. and i am shedding tears.
get rid of that fear and irresponsibility! i am going to see the dentist. how painful it’s gonna be?! many people have gone through more terrible treatment and they’re still alive. and how much it’s gonna cost?! what’s credit card for then?
okay. i just scolded myself over some silly issue. i am going to see the dentist this evening. and i would appreciate your prayer. please don’t take what i just wrote seriously. it was my panicking moment. i took it that bad, huh?