i have used too much of my head. i have been trained to plan ahead, to get thoughts organized and to make things productive. but now…i just want to use my heart to write. i am now closing my eyes and type from the deepest part of my heart.
i am struggling. i feel depressed. i am in the depth of questions, “what am i doing?”…”am i still fit for what i do?”…”would i be better off somewhere else?”. being in a corporate organization has pros and cons.
the good parts are training, empowerment, discipline, new experiences and many more. having worked here, God has opened my world to another side of the country and opened my heart for the karen people. i get to travel. my 1st official trip out of country was to china, when i had a training with other colleagues from america, india, indonesia and philippines. i get to use my skills of language to serve God and His people. i am living and working closely with christians. He answered my prayer, which i asked Him before i graduated, “three things, God. travel. use linguistic talent to serve You. and a christian organization.” what more do i need to ask?
but you can’t have the good without seeing any faults. i haven’t had much time for myself. i am being trained to be someone who is not me. i miss my old self…the girl who cared for others when they were in need….the person who was compassionate and could understand what others went through…the servant of God who was not bitter or resentful towards the world. i might not be as perfect as i should be but i was myself…and i loved that self.
now…i am weary. i feel like i’ve come to another step of life, a step higher. it feels so cold. i appreciate and cherish the work i do now because i know how much impact my work can make on children’s and other people’s lives all around the world. i am grateful for the investment and trust people have showered on me. photography. writing. trainings. but there are so many battles going on. and i’m losing the true person that i am. the more i try to be better, the more i sense failure. my thoughts are consumed with how imperfect i am, how much more i have to live up and how i will never be able to do it well.
living is not out of passion but of obligation and duty. i think of the biblical patriots, how a lot of them served the Lord but never got to see the promises made to them. what did they hold on to? the only answer i can think of is the faith in the Lord that got them thus far.
i don’t have any answers to the struggles i am battling with. i don’t know whether i’m in the right place or not. i used to know…i was quick to hear His voice…but now…my heart is hardened. the constant injustice that happens to children and women. the bad guys who still reign and rule. the wretchedness Satan brought upon this world and the selfishness that came with human nature. i must be on the wrong path. the more i serve, the more hopeless i become. it isn’t supposed to be this way. if i truly serve the Lord, i should be joyful and hopeful, shouldn’t i?
the world is so vast and i am so small. what right did i have to think i could change it?
but my eyes have seen too many witnesses…how God CAN make the impossible to the possible. you all know so well from the bible. the wall of jericho. gideon’s incredible victory. God’s protection over david’s life. five loaves and 2 fish. broken prisons and the shouts of glory.
then many real life’s stories. i cannot deny that God is here with me. but i am so lost. i don’t want to do anything but to find somewhere quiet…apart from people and work…a place i don’t have to think about earning money or thinking about where to find food. the place i and God meet alone.
a prodigal is still wandering out in the desert and trying to find her way home.
apart from God there is no lasting quenching of our spiritual hunger and thirst.
each of us was created in the image and likeness of God. we were made for God’s fellowship, and our hearts can never be satisfied without His communion. just as iron is attracted to a magnet, the soul in its state of hunger is drawn to God. – billy graham