what is it…that i struggle to identify my passion? yes, there are many desires in life i can come up with. i could tell my friend that i wish to pursue master degree. i could say to mom that i want to date a guy, get married and bear children. i could talk to my pastor about my future’s hope to become a missionary. i could write about my dreams to travel the world. and i do believe that what i just typed out are something i truly want for my life, not just some wild immature dreams. so what is passion?
to me, it is a strong sense to get your hands on certain things you wish to do. there is the urgency that you cannot avoid and you are iron-willed to move heavens and earth just to achieve it. you are compelled, not obligated. when someone is passionate about something, even though she may not have the skills to do it, she has already won half of the battle. passion moves a person to do things beyond her abilities and wild imagination. it casts aside fear and equips the person with positive attitudes and hope. men and women with passion don’t have to be ordered. they move intuitively.
i ask myself these days what i am passionate about…and i’m left feeling hollow. is it because i have sinned so much that God just gave up on me? or is it because i am a girl with no heart and brain, being too calloused by the stains of this world? those are lies.
i am still passionate about living a life that pleases God. that’s the only one thing i will never doubt. even though i may not have the answer for my future, i know that in my every day life, i can make a difference by simply “walking worthy of the Lord”. although i am unclear about directions i need to take, i believe that by abiding in God, it will be obvious to me. it’s very frustrating, though, having to be still and wait while others are moving forward with confidence and successes.
so, lying in my bed the other night…feeling lost more than ever, i talked to Him, “Father, You knew me even before i was knitted in my mom’s womb. You know every twists and turns in my path of life. but i don’t. i need to know what You want from me so i can stop drifting.” after that, i went back to my reading, a novel by francine rivers. as words played from page to page, one sentence stood out, “be a woman of characters, qualities and faith”.
i want to be a woman whose confidence of identity is secured in the Lord and not of worldly materials or outward appearances. i want people to feel invited to come to me…to feel safe enough to be a part of my life. i want the world to see Jesus through me.
but i will face with a lot of tough choices, hard decisions and alluring temptations. i know, i know. yesterday, i wish i could work fast and be more professional as i observed my friend providing instructions, participating in the board meetings and accomplishing tasks given t her. today, i wish i could snuggle inside my soft pillows and warm blanket when it was time i got up and read the Bible. but the “i wish…” can’t change anything.
to reach the fullness of life God intends for me, i must die to myself and turn my focus on the Lord. i need to abide in Him, as the vine and the branch. it is easy to do what i want at the minute i want, but i have to ask myself, “is this the kind of thing God would be pleased? is this character or habit giving the Lord of the universe glory?” sometimes i want to pity myself…to tell myself that the world is unfair…to pout or throw fists or get mad…for the sake of “being me”. they don’t have the rights to change who i am.
but a wise friend of mine asked me a stunning question, “is this life about you or Him?”
suddenly, there was light. every grim and gray areas of my life were brought out on the spot. isaiah 42: 8 says, “I am the Lord, that is My name; I will not give My glory to another, not My praise to graven images.” that is His passion – for His glory to be manifested in this earth. and i am living His passion.
God humbled me down so He can lift me up. if this life i live is about Him and for Him, then any characters, thoughts or habits that are hindering the work of the Lord to move forward have to be rid of: indecision, procrastination, self-justification and pride.
so every day i wake up, with my face on the floor, i plead the Holy One to make this humble person a tool for His glory…a hose of blessings. i choose to cast aside intimidating thoughts and unpleasant habits so that He can work through me fully. and i am determined to stay committed to loving, worshipping and serving Jesus for the rest of my life.
and that is what i call “passion”.
“the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging.”
Galatians 6:14, NCV