i am so tired and sleepy now. i have been, actually. i feel like there is not enough hour in a day to get sufficient sleep. mom always says that we don’t have to do hard labor to feel tired. sometimes too much thinking sucks out our energy. we don’t have any scientific proof, but the evidence is clear. and i can’t agree more. there are lots of things on my mind.
each day, i must wrestle with choices. i am not in the happiest phase of my life: but will i allow my unhappiness to replace the joy i can have in God? i have all the rights to be defensive when people try to change me or make me into someone they want me to be: but will i succumb into self-pitiness and be a victim of pride instead of humbling myself and doing what pleases God?
i have journeyed to the position where i need to redefine who i am in God once again. recently, i have been driven by guilt and always become offensive when people make comments about me, give suggestions on what i should do in the matters of my life and even got irritated, sometimes angry, when they try to “fix” me, y’ know. i am tired of having to explain myself to others. i need to know what is happening with me, my head and my heart.
i’m going to admit here that i feel like i’m not living up to the bar. i hate that i am like this.
in such time like this, psalm 131 has always been my comfort and reminder of the rest and reliance i can have on God.
my heart is not proud, Lord
my eyes are not haughty;
i do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
but i have calmed and quieted myself,
i am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child i am content.
israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forever more.
i hold on to God as i have never before. this quest to find and win my identity back has been fierce. i will never be able to make it without Him. i so want to get out of this state i am in – the uncertain, agitated and emotionally unstable person. everyday, i remind myself that His grace is sufficient for me, that His love is unconditional and He doesn’t care who i am or what i have done and that if i would just yield my pride to Him and enter into His presence, i’ll see His glory there.
but, oh, i am so tired. my soul is drifting…wandering…in search of the much-needed rest.