The Geometry Lesson

i am a free-spirited and romantic person. i don’t mind people giving advices because that helps me grow as a person. but i hate when i am told of what to do. when someone orders me, without asking if it is something i want to do, i am offended. stress kicks in. and i start to draw away from that person.

when i was in grade 6, my parents hired a personal tutor to teach me homework every evening. i usually enjoyed our time because my tutor, a middle-aged female teacher, was very kind and understanding, except for that one fateful night when i was obliged to sit for 2 hours to finish the geometry assignment.

 

geometry was and still is a mystery to me. i could never get a hold of its concept and how to work the math with the shapes and angles. i don’t remember what we were talking about. but i remember the scene very well. my teacher and i hunched over a pile of paper and my opened math book. she was explaining something far too foreign {and note that i cannot articulate it on here because i am still as dumb as an ass when it comes to geometry today}. i was frustrated that the lesson was far into the 2nd hour when i was supposed to eat supper by that time. i was pissed at myself because geometry made me realize that i wasn’t as smart as i thought. and i was on the verge of tears because i wanted to give it up.

as discretely as possible, i wiped my tears away before it dropped onto the thin brown page.

who would cry for a geometry lesson, you may think. i did. because i didn’t enjoy it for a bit. and because i was forced to do something i didn’t like.

as i have matured, this geometry lesson follows me. not in a torturing tutorial class {that kinda rolled off your tongue, eh?}but more in a life’s responsibility. i am turning 28 this march. but i barely have anything set up for my future. my saving remains in the 4-digits numbers. i make no plans in leaving this work i love so much any time soon. and i enjoy traveling a lot, which means, i would need someone who enjoys the same thing to settle down with.

this geometry-class feeling kicks in as my mom and a man i care about start ordering me around. i wish i was humbled enough to listen and obey them, because i know that it came out of the good will. but all i heard was that…i wasn’t measuring up to their standards. that i wasn’t good enough to be who i was for them.

“lose your weight, mink.”

“save some money. don’t spend it on movies  and food too much. limit yourself to 100 Baht a day, can you?”

“what is your plan for the next year?”

“you should study master degree so you can find a teaching job.”

“you are already 28. you can’t just live like you were 18. future is awaiting you. what about marriage? husband? children?”

these words didn’t only get through my thick head as accusation of my immaturity but also pierce through my heart. these words were double-edged swords, intended to put my senses back to reality. yet they stung.

perhaps i am in a mid-life crisis. people have to watch you closely like they would to vulnerable teenagers as if i was ill. as if i would run away if problems were too unbearable {although the idea is tempting, and although i have considered “solitude retreat”, i won’t do it for the sake of causing troubles}.

many people have their own ways to cure their pressure. some choose healthy ways to deal with it such as running, boxing or playing squash to release the stress. but, sadly, some pour their frustration and anger into a bottle, a box of cigerattes or a tray of drugs. for me, with exercising to divert my attention on confusion, i have to come back to the origin – where the stress begins.

i have struggled with this issue of self-insufficiency, which reflects my insecured identity even though i believe that God values me. this issue has been my soft spot. if someone points out any wrongs in me, i instinctively fire back, “why can’t you accept me the way i am? what is wrong with me?” i have hurt far too many loved ones with these questions.

why do i feel belittled? why am i easily offended? i try not to expect others to change themselves for me. why are they trying to change  me then? —- low expectation — i learned a hard lesson not to expect much from people around me so that i wouldn’t be disappointed at the end.

thus, i please my way through life.

a geometry lesson. resurrected to bring revelation – that i have some serious issues i need to deal with before i move on to the next stage of life.

one thing i know is this — the only person i need to please for the rest of my life is the Lord.

God’s kingdom and the 6 billion tiny little kingdoms where God has granted a small and temporary exemption for His sovereignty. these are “ruled” by us individually in the form of our will. the kingdom of God advances everytime one of us chooses to align our will with the will of the King – when His will is done in and through us.

– Compassion’s Philosophy on Church

Jesus, as You bring my problems to the surface, give me wisdom to deal with each one as You would want to accomplish. give me the courage to make the right decision, even though it means abandoning my hopes and dreams. reconcile me to Your love…to the first love i had when i first met You. reign in my heart and head. cleanse me from the sins that have long trapped me. and i pray that you would give me Your power to love even those who have hurt me. i bring my friend i dearly love to you too. if it was your will for us to share life together, then please work in our relationship. but if we are walking off Your path, then direct our hearts and minds to follow You back to where we belong.

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About Mink Gough

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined the things that God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 View all posts by Mink Gough

2 responses to “The Geometry Lesson

  • nk

    To be honest, I don’t always make time to read your blog posts. (You may have noticed this) But somehow the title of this one attracted me. Frankly, I love geometry. I can’t think of many topics I enjoy more. (I’m actually quite disappointed that my schedule had no room for upper-division geometry classes, but that’s far besides the point) It’s okay though, I know we’re very different 🙂

    Somehow, I also admire your willingness to be so open to sharing your insecurities and weaknesses on the internet. I remember when I used to be this way, but somewhere along the way I’ve become a vacuum-sealed vault, only allowing myself to be vulnerable with a very select few (and that number seems to continually diminish).

    I know that wasn’t really the point of your blog. On many levels I’m sure I can relate to your feeling of insufficiency (though it’s mostly academic for me). I’m not yet at the point to need to seriously consider things like husbands and settling down, but I often find myself feeling stupid when it comes to schoolwork, especially when other seems to breeze through it. “If he can do it, why can’t I? Aren’t I just as capable as him?” And this can frustrate me to no end.

    If you have time (which I know is hard to come by) you might have a listen at some recent sermons by the church I’ve been attending:

    http://austinstone.org/resources/sermons

    The “Counterfeit Love: Idols Identified” message was particularly good about point out the different types of “idols” people have, and why they cause us to struggle. But the bottom line was still a lack of security in God, which I can’t say I’ve overcome either. However, it’s often nice to be reminded that He is complete even in our inadequacies.

    That’s all for now. Miss you sis.

    PS. I’m still a purple monster. -___-;;

    • Minkster

      haha, nookie. yes, you are still a purple monster! 🙂 doesn’t wordpress give you choices for what you wanna be?

      but, hey, thanks for reading and commenting. i knew that this title would get ya! ha! and thank you for sharing the sermon link. i will definitely check it out.

      i always pointed the cause of my insecurity and insufficiency to pride. it can be one factor but i think that there might be something else here too.

      my friend shared this scripture from 2 corinthians 10 to me. verse 5 and 7 are what struck me most. paul talks about how we need to demolish arguments or pretensions or thoughts that set itself up against the knowledge of Christ.

      another point from v.7 (which might be a bit off topic but it just spoke to me), paul exhorted to people in corinth to not judge him or others by appearances {because paul might not look like a God-believer? i have no idea what paul looked like} but it struck me because that’s what i’m doing. i’m judging one of my friends by his outward appearances and the ways he acts and lives life from my own standards.it just blocks my eyes from what God wants me to see.

      anyway, that’s just my thought this morning. i have been up at 5 in the morning for 3 days now. and it feels just great! you should try it, nookie. 🙂 i miss you and hope you won’t be a purple monster next time.

      p.s. by the way, i applauded you for finishing my post even though it’s in a stick format again.

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