The Reason I Feel Foolish

How can I say that things are going so crazy when I barely do anything? I should not be complaining when I get an unlimited vacation I have been pining for, should I? But I am entering into the third month of unemployment. After I left Compassion, I told myself I would not be looking for jobs because I wanted to give myself time to rest. Yet my soul has been anything but rest. In fact, I have been asking myself if I made the wrong decision leaving Compassion.

However, when I come back to where this all started…to the place God first prepared my heart and impressed upon me through Abraham’s story repeatedly, I must admit that this is no mistake. And I must get past the doubt, and get on with life. The thing is – I am not sure how to live.

With a major chunk of my financial income completely cut off, and a huge portion of time returned to me, I need to be creative and careful in spending money and stewarding my time  as much as possible.

When I tell people the real reason why I left Compassion, the wonderfully Christ-centered and strongly financially supported organization, that I got too comfortable, I can almost feel their stares through the back of my spinal bone. I knew that they did not judge but I could almost hear the million questions in their heads. Suddenly, I felt foolish.

The only comfort I find is in God’s confirmation in the beginning of this year, and many stories in the Bible – how the Lord used the weak and the foolish to shame the wise and the powerful.

Like Abram, leaving his country and not knowing the next destination, except God’s promise to be with him and to let him be the father of nations. It was the promise Abram never got to see come true. But he went anyway. Or Noah who obeyed God’s command to build a massive ark when the world’s population barely knew what “rain” meant, let alone flooding. He diligently followed God’s instruction, listened to no one and even mercifully invited others on board. Noah was looked down upon. But he and his family were safe from the severest destruction in the mankind’s history back then.

Moses, born and raised by Egyptians, had to choose his loyalty between his Egyptian family and God’s family. He might have pondered on the word “betrayal” for a long time. But he chose God above all else, and did many seemingly thoughtless things. Yet the Lord was there to guarantee his and his nation’s safety throughout the plight. And Joseph, whose betrothed became pregnant. He could have shunned and punished Mary for breaking the culture’s law but Joseph chose to live in the scandal because the Lord called him to stand up and fight, not only for Mary, but for His Son too.

God often calls His people to do senseless things, especially to human’s eyes. But isn’t that just God? I mean if He is who we say He is, then there is nothing extraordinary about Him or His plans. Isaiah 66 says,

“Thus says the Lord: ‘Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the Lord. But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.’”

We cannot live a safe and simple life because our God is neither safe nor simple. When He called us from the depth of the earth and brought us into our mothers’ wombs, He already had our whole lives intricately planned out with exactness. There would be no surprises even though He knew that we might just choose a totally different course instead of His plan. But the best part is this – because He knows, He has all things covered. No surprises. Just permission. And no matter what we perceive as wrong, unfortunate or destructive, God sees it as liberty well – exercised.

The qualities I see in Abram, Noah, Moses and Joseph were these – that despite how wild, how foolish and how insane God’s call was to them, they ended up with full obedience, complete trust, unwavering faith, wholehearted submission and humble diligence. Once they realized that God meant it for real, they put themselves to work right away. Abram prepared for the journey, and set his eyes towards the land uncharted before him. Noah gathered wood, drew out the plan and built the ark. Moses pleaded with Pharaoh, called out to his people and led them through the desert and the sea. And Joseph took Mary in, endured the social’s scorn and loved Mary as a husband should to his wife.

With my circumstances, the first thing that I need to do is to stop doubting because God has proved His faithfulness true times and times again. While I was in Mah – O – Jo, I saw a vision in my dream – God, being enthroned in a room, and I at his feet like Mary who sat at Jesus’ feet, listening to His words. Jesus and the Holy Spirit were around me. And I remembered hearing three words, “Worship. Wait. And work.” It might have been something I had been pondering about during my devotions. But it was also the confirmation as to what I should do.

Instead of running aimlessly after people or job application, I will come home to be with my mom and sisters. I will trust in His provision when I do not have a full-time job because the Lord will not allow His children to go hungry. I will do my best in what is entrusted to me – family, house, dreams and desires. I will live a life as an act of worship to Him, in my thoughts, in my feelings, in my words and in my actions. I will be fearless. And I will wait patiently on Him, not just for Him to answer my prayer…but just wait on Him…to be with Him.


About Mink Gough

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined the things that God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 View all posts by Mink Gough

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