so i found this quote “when God is your reason to live, you’ll never have to quit!” on a facebook page called “women after God”. and i just thought how suitable it is to my life’s circumstances now. but bear with me. my words and thoughts are not collaborating with my mind at the moment. they are floating around in my head like dust particles dancing in the ray of sunlight. i cannot grasp a thought long enough to fully understand and elaborate it as i wish. but i have been wanting to say this out loud – God is good and faithful.
i was a bit hesitant to write it for everyone to see because it is not catchy nor will it grab anyone’s attention…sadly. the words “good” and “faithful” have been used often in Christian lingo that they have become sort of mundane and boring. but this is one thought that has taken up most of my heart and mind over the past week. and i feel like it is worth saying it, mentioning about it and telling others about it.
i would probably be on the other side too if i had not experienced how good and faithful He is in my life right now. if God did not intervene, and almost thrust His blessings into my hands, then i would probably shrug my shoulders and walk off the scene because it was all too familiar.
since last month i had been praying for some divine intervention or defining moments so i could turn my life around. i was sick and tired of not knowing what was going to happen. i thought i would have fun not having to work and getting to sleep in. but a life without reasons is a lonely way to live. i can say that again. life with no one to be accountable to or nothing to be responsible for is meaningless.
when the Lord created us, He filled within us the eternal plan of salvation. with that plan as the finished line, each of us was birthed, trained and prepared to sprint and run towards that goal in different ways, according to our talents, desires and visions. the scripture from proverbs 29:18, which says, “without the vision, people perish”, kept coming back to me when i was groping aimlessly for a purpose to live.
when i was at Compassion, i knew that there would be reasons for me to be there every day. a story to write. a project to work on. a trip to plan. a place to travel to. i felt needed, empowered and valued. i knew that i could meet my every needs and even wants because i had the strong financial back-up to fall on – social insurance, reimbursable medical support and monthly salary. i did not have to deal with the feeling of being a disappointment or a burden to my family much because i could be counted on.
but now that nothing was regular or predictable, i lost a sense of purpose. it took me a month to figure out what i need – to find my reason to live in God. it was Him who suggested the idea of leaving work in the first place. why would i go look somewhere else for the answer when the answer was right here – with me, in me? when i put myself back into the center of God’s presence, my unstable, uncertain and unbalanced life was reversed.
every day i wake up with a sense of purpose – that is, to spend time reading the Bible and study His word with as much time as i have. i am following the year plan, which allows me to read four chapters from four book each day. the more i seek Him, the lesser i worry. even though i do not have all the questions in my head figured out, and i will probably make a lot of mistakes along the way, i know that i now get one thing right – i am doing what matthew 6:33 says, “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness…”
one thing i miss from work at Compassion, though, is writing. not just personal diary’s writing…but the kind of writing that brings myself into other people’s worlds. i miss the insights i earned from talking to the locals and the new relationships i gained by spending time in their villages. and as if i am not surprised at myself enough, i am going to say this – that i even miss the deadlines! that is hard to come by. but i guess with too much time on my hands, this can happen. haha.
yet God is good and faithful. He has given me jobs that have provided for me to cover all my necessities this month. even though it was not a big wad of money, this was the answer to my prayer. the divine intervention. the defining moment. i remembered why i decided to step out of the comfort zone – to walk into the unknown adventure with the God i love, who calls me to Him every day. it is not the money that i live for. it is the experiences and deeply rooted love relationship with Jesus that i am after.
so even though i could whip up an impressive long-list-of-experiences resume and send it to multiple targeted organizations; or apply for graduate schools in different countries and get accepted; i would not be satisfied if it was not where He wanted me to be. or in short – there is no better place I would rather be than where God wants me to be right now.
please pray for me as i am seeking His presence daily…that i may cast anxiety into prayer. pray for trust in His plan, faith to obey, peace that transcends my current circumstances and, most importantly, hope for each day. pray that i will let Him to be the reason i live and that i will continue to discover more of Himself and myself each day. and, lastly, pray that at least i will get to share the blessings in my life with someone other than myself.