the music is reverberating around the house. and i sit here alone with a pint of rocky road ice-cream, drenched in my own tears.
i thought this crying has been because of “pms”. but that period has passed. and i still weep puddles of tears every day, or nights, for the past two weeks. when i shut the door of today behind – be it laundry-hanging, errands-running, friends hanging-out, movies-watching, cooking or translating, when i am left alone with nothing and no one but me, it is hard to suppress the feeling of sadness.
i cry because i am here in Chiang Mai, and my family is there in Bangkok.i cry because i have wonderful memories with this guy, whom i want to continue building more memories with. but the timing is not right. and we just have to press “pause” in this beautiful friendship. i cry because God tells me to wait, when i would rather race and reach the finished line. i cry because i feel so helpless, and all i can do is to accept God’s will. i cry because i am paying a high price of full obedience, and even though total surrender to Jesus is sweet and i would not trade anything in the world for this peace, this submission to Christ is. still. hard.
this year, God has called me to do unimaginable, out-of-comfort zone things. leaving my job. being rid of financial security. telling me to wait. pulling people i hold dear out. bearing me naked, physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. all of these, so i may be completely, totally, wholeheartedly dependent on Him.
the only thing i am holding on to is the vision i received from Him while i spent time up in the mountain. God, enthroned, and me at His feet with Jesus and the Spirit wrapping their presence around me. the sense of safety. and the whispers of Him, “while you wait, worship Me. serve Me.”
so i am here, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, with an empty pint of rocky road ice-cream (yeah, i finished all of it). my face is still streaked with trails of tears, and all i have in my chest is tired sobs.
but because He is God, and i am me, i can say, even with gritted teeth, that “Lord, You can have your way…in me.”
because Jesus Christ has already paid the price, i am willing to be broken and molded new…so i can strive to be perfect, just like Him, by His power and mercy.
because although there are a million ways we can choose to live, doing what God thinks is right is the only best way to live.
and even though i will cry a thousand tears for the next 143 days, because i am human and can’t get over my obnoxious pride, thinking that i deserve better, i am still willing…to be at His disposal.