Tag Archives: Questions

Written From My Heart

i have used too much of my head. i have been trained to plan ahead, to get thoughts organized and to make things productive. but now…i just want to use my heart to write. i am now closing my eyes and type from the deepest part of my heart.

i am struggling. i feel depressed. i am in the depth of questions, “what am i doing?”…”am i still fit for what i do?”…”would i be better off somewhere else?”. being in a corporate organization has pros and cons.

the good parts are training, empowerment, discipline, new experiences and many more. having worked here, God has opened my world to another side of the country and opened my heart for the karen people. i get to travel. my 1st official trip out of country was to china, when i had a training with other colleagues from america, india, indonesia and philippines. i get to use my skills of language to serve God and His people. i am living and working closely with christians. He answered my prayer, which i asked Him before i graduated, “three things, God. travel. use linguistic talent to serve You. and a christian organization.” what more do i need to ask?

but you can’t have the good without seeing any faults. i haven’t had much time for myself. i am being trained to be someone who is not me. i miss my old self…the girl who cared for others when they were in need….the person who was compassionate and could understand what others went through…the servant of God who was not bitter or resentful towards the world. i might not be as perfect as i should be but i was myself…and i loved that self.

now…i am weary. i feel like i’ve come to another step of life, a step higher. it feels so cold. i appreciate and cherish the work i do now because i know how much impact my work can make on children’s and other people’s lives all around the world. i am grateful for the investment and trust people have showered on me. photography. writing. trainings.  but there are so many battles going on. and i’m losing the true person that i am. the more i try to be better, the more i sense failure. my thoughts are consumed with how imperfect i am, how much more i have to live up and how i will never be able to do it well.

living is not out of passion but of obligation and duty. i think of the biblical patriots, how a lot of them served the Lord but never got to see the promises made to them. what did they hold on to? the only answer i can think of is the faith in the Lord that got them thus far.

i don’t have any answers to the struggles i am battling with. i don’t know whether i’m in the right place or not. i used to know…i was quick to hear His voice…but now…my heart is hardened. the constant injustice that happens to children and women. the bad guys who still reign and rule. the wretchedness Satan brought upon this world and the selfishness that came with human nature. i must be on the wrong path. the more i serve, the more hopeless i become. it isn’t supposed to be this way. if i truly serve the Lord, i should be joyful and hopeful, shouldn’t i?

the world is so vast and i am so small. what right did i have to think i could change it?

but my eyes have seen too many witnesses…how God CAN make the impossible to the possible. you all know so well from the bible. the wall of jericho. gideon’s incredible victory. God’s protection over david’s life. five loaves and 2 fish. broken prisons and the shouts of glory.

then many real life’s stories. i cannot deny that God is here with me. but i am so lost. i don’t want to do anything but to find somewhere quiet…apart from people and work…a place i don’t have to think about earning money or thinking about where to find food. the place i and God meet alone.

a prodigal is still wandering out in the desert and trying to find her way home.

apart from God there is no lasting quenching of our spiritual hunger and thirst.

each of us was created in the image and likeness of God. we were made for God’s fellowship, and our hearts can never be satisfied without His communion. just as iron is attracted to a magnet, the soul in its state of hunger is drawn to God. – billy graham

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Where is My Groom?

my hand still throbs from yesterday’s fall. i was on my friend’s motorbike on our way to church. as he swooped round the corner, i, sitting on the side, slid off the seat and fell hard on the cement floor. thankfully, only my right palm bled. as an expert fall-er, i found nothing else injured but the hand. still, as i stood with my friend and saw scarlet seeping through wounds, i felt as if i could faint and had to hold on to his hands while walking back to the house.

another adventure…and another accident. i’m just recovering from insects rashes from spending time in the mountain. alas, me = clumsy = accident. a friend of mine, upon seeing my gauze-patched hand, said, “will there be more, mink? won’t it ever end?”

sad to say and hard to admit, there will be more accidents in my life and i just have to live with it.

anyway, i did have some fun during the weekend.

on saturday night, i attended another friend’s wedding.  the rain sprinkled then poured just right before the matrimony started. the weather cooled down outside but was thick and humid while we were singing in the church. the couple were elegant and beautiful. as i listened to them speaking vow, i wondered if i would be standing there.

i was never a type to make plans in my head about my wedding. i couldn’t understand why women loved thinking and spending lots of time doodling about “the day”…until this year. i began thinking about what would be the color theme; what kinds of flowers i should use; where would the wedding and reception be; what kind of dress i would wear; who would be my bridesmaid and the list got longer every time i pondered on the questions. perhaps it’s the age-thing?

anyway, as i considered the questions, i was sure that the delicate details and lists would give me such headache and i would be so stressed and then i would probably get into a fight with my groom and then it wouldn’t be so much fun anymore (see how my imagination could get so far?). so the thought got me back to the “why people should marry” point.

isn’t it because of love between man and woman? isn’t it because of doing it right and legal? isn’t it because the Lord tells us so?

it is because man is supposed to leave his father and mother and be united with his wife. it is because they must be the witnesses of God’s holiness in every area of life, including marriage bed. and it is so that they shall be eternally knotted by the blessings of God.

even though i will, at one point, despise my wedding planning, the most important thing of all, i want to stand at the altar with my groom, make the vow like i mean it and live the rest of my life to honor the Lord.

the question for now, though, is “where” is my groom? 🙂