Exactly Where I Need to Be

“I set up the chess board!”, chirped Elly to Joel, who was having a shower. I was feeding Sam to sleep in bed. Joel replied, “Ok! I’ll be out in a minute.” I thought, these two needed to be a little quieter so Sammy wouldn’t get so distracted. But that was fleeting because I already felt the weight of him in my arms.

My mind flitted back to the events of today. Usual Friday stuff means swimming lessons in the morning and catch up with friends. We went for a walk in the rain after getting hot chocolate and cupcakes instead as our friends couldn’t hang around today. The kids were pretty tired when we got home so I let them watch TV for a bit to wind down. When it was time to turn it off, Elly had a massive meltdown because she wanted to keep watching. For me, the afternoon sun was bright, golden and glorious. And I just wanted us to spend time outside playing and splashing in the puddles.

Elly was crying for a good 5 minutes. She was visibly upset, and wouldn’t let me touch her. But I was firm in my decision so I told her that I knew she was not happy, that it was ok for her to feel the emotion and express it, and that I was here for her. Shortly after, she buried her head in my neck while I held her body that feels not so little anymore in my arms for a while.

Finally we ventured outside and spent almost 2 hours outside splashing in the puddles, making spicy cakes from twigs, seeds, and flowers petals, and jumping up and down on the mattresses we dragged out from the garage. By the time we came up, I only had enough time to heat up the frozen bolognaise sauce and cook some pasta. Elly, Sam and I sat down together to eat with bibs on our chests listening to music while slurping the spaghetti loudly. No one actually talked because we were so famished.

Now I’m laying in bed, listening to Sam’s soft and steady breathing while keeping an ear out for Elly, who chose to sleep in her own room tonight with daddy. And I feel at peace. It was a full day, hard at times dealing with emotions and holding boundaries; and the mess, the clutter and laundry that don’t end. But this is my work, where I am supposed to be.

That’s another thing. I’ve just changed job to somewhere that I am finally feeling like I can progress and feel invested in. Currently I’m working at a restaurant that is rising in popularity on the coast. I love the kind of food I get to cook; and feel privileged to be working closely to one of a a leading chef in the region. But I get stuck on the hours of availability I can offer them. My free days are days that Joel doesn’t work; and after church. I’ve tried many times to switch things around in my head; or come up with solutions. And all just led to the same conclusion – I simply cannot offer anymore than these hours. I ended up getting only one 8-hours shift on Saturdays at the moment. Sure there might be more opportunity when summer comes. And I keep hoping. It was hard and humbling working around everyone’s schedule and putting me last. I guess it’s a reality for many mums (and sometimes dads) to constantly juggle between raising children and chasing after your dreams.

But if I was at work, I would have missed all that happened today. The little conversations I got to have with Elly, the soft whisper of “mama” when Sam was about to drift off to sleep, or the silly dances we pulled together at the dinner table.

This is my journey of motherhood. And this is exactly where I need to be.