Longing for Home

Mary sat comfortably in a large reclining chair, her hands folded on the knitted blue blanket that rested on her lap. Her eyes, the color of the sky heavy with clouds, gazed ahead as if she was re-living a moment of her past while she was talking to me. A bustling lady she must have been because she loved her garden. And she told me she had many beautiful flowers planted in her own backyard. And she misses that – her home.

Being in a rest home, a place for the elderly who needs attention and care, was not easy or enjoyable for her. She said that she had to come here because she lost the ability to walk. She is now used to it. But I bet that if she could choose, she would rather live at home, with her colorful garden and the ones she loves.

Singing at the rest homes is a ministry I am involved in while here. When I was a child, I used to be scared of old people. But now that I’m a grown-up, I realized that each elderly is more than a wrinkling and frail body. They are like books, maybe with dog-eared pages and yellow stains; but they are full of adventures, cool stories, wisdom and life lessons.

Today we, SPBC students, spent some time at one of the rest homes. After the singing, we were mingling with the elders and talking with them. That was where I met Mary, and learned of her story. She was not the only one who was homesick though. Sometimes I saw a few people wiped away tears from their eyes when they listened to us – not because we were good singers (oh, especially me who sing out of tune all the time) but because the words meant something to them.

I’ve been pondering about homesickness recently actually. Before the school was over, many people asked me if I had felt homesick, or if I was ready for the blow of homesickness during break. If I were to be honest, I will never be ready for that. Though I had lived in Chiang-Mai for five years before, homesickness was always unexpected and difficult. It isn’t something you can avoid or brush away. It’s something one needs to accept, and linger on until the moment passes because it reminds you of your humanness, and of your true home.

I’m now reading a book called “Longing for Home” by Lynn Anderson. The writer ponders about his own restlessness and wandering while searching for his roots by tracing his family history back to his European ancestors who were first settlers in Canada. In one of the chapters, he wrote, “Home is not so much being present somewhere as it is a presence that can go with us everywhere.”

Yes, most of us have homes where we belong to – a place where we get to tend our garden, cook (or for some of us “burn”) meals for our families, snuggle together in a couch on rainy days, cry and pray over difficult decisions and simply make memories. But the longing in our hearts for the true home will never be quenched because eternity with God is where we ALL belong. Only then will we never feel homesick again.

Before we left the rest home, we sang this song “When we all get to heaven” together. I was full of emotions and excitement as I sang and shouted the words with my fellow students and the “frail and wrinkled” people. Mary said that when I get to 87 years old, I will understand what it feels like to want to go home. I guess I may not have to wait that long. I ache for home now, and always will – home with my family, and home with my God. But in my homesickness, He walks with me. He takes me by the hand and leads me home.

Looking Through the Rain-Dropped Glass

the clouds have hovered low over Tauranga for two days in a row now. the rain is still sprinkling outside. and i am sitting cross-legged on a carpet floor wearing two layers of long-sleeve shirts, pink checkered pants, socks and gloves. since this is only the beginning of autumn, i begin to realize that i will need to get more warm clothes for winter here.

today i went into town with one of my friends to look for gifts for our friends, and simply to hang out. what could be a better thing to do on Monday, with no school, than going shopping with your girl friend? 🙂 though it was raining, we were excited because we both love rain. i love rainy days because it seems to slow everyone down. people walk slower, become more considerate and linger long in the conversations as they wait for buses. the rain also brings calm and soothing spirit with it. after walking for about an hour in the cold, we decided to warm ourselves up with a cup of coffee and hot muffins. with coffee mugs in hands, we sat back and talked about life today, life before Tauranga and life tomorrow.

 while indulging myself in the aroma of coffee, my mind drifted  beyond the rain-dropped glass windows and the misty ocean. i was  searching for answers about my future. i wondered what God was  doing in my life; and how it is going to be after next year. the more i  sought the answers, the road to question stretched longer than ever  before.

yet in my wondering and wandering, He spoke, “I am the vine; you  are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear  much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:15)

His word was like a hot cup of freshly brewed Americano – powerful and assuring. i in Him and He in me – apart from God, i can do nothing. He calmed the waves in my heart with His simple statement – “I am God, and I will lead you. I have a purpose for each stage of your life. And all you need to do is to keep walking and trusting and giving your best shot for everything.”

this devotional by Sarah Young was of great encouragement to me.

“WHEN I GIVE YOU no special guidance, stay where you are. Concentrate on doing your everyday tasks in awareness of My Presence with you. The Joy of My Presence will shine on you, as you do everything for Me. Thus you invite Me into every aspect of your life. Through collaborating with Me in all things, you allow My Life to merge with yours. This is the secret not only of joyful living but also of victorious living. I designed you to depend on Me moment by moment, recognizing that apart from Me you can do nothing.

Be thankful for quiet days, when nothing special seems to be happening. Instead of being bored by the lack of action, use times of routine to seek My Face. Although this is an invisible transaction, it speaks volumes in spiritual realms. Moreover, you are richly blessed when you walk trustingly with Me through the routines of your day.”

looking into the unknown future now is like trying to see the view outside Starbucks through that rain-dropped glass window. although the vision for future looks blurry, there is surety – the assurance of now, with God in my everyday’s life. so i shift my gaze back to the cup before me, be content with God’s presence  and give everything my best for His glory.

Separated For a Purpose

God is wooing me to Him. There is no doubt. Each day, He fills me with His love and keeps pouring more and more. While I try to take in as much as I can, I am aware of my human limitation. Have you ever felt this longing for more of God so much that it makes your heart ache…because you know that you can never have enough of Him but if you have too much of Him all at once, you may just suffocate? That is exactly what I experience. 

God has been working in my heart through school, nature, people and His word. Sometimes that urgent feeling to worship comes crashing in the middle of a class, during a walk along the beach or while listening to people’s stories. It usually flashes in and rushes out…always leaves me desiring more – this beauty in brokenness.

God breaks my heart through people’s brokenness. I see under their smiles the yearning that only God can satisfy. I hear the cries beneath their laughter for help…for rescue. I feel their struggles and pain to survive and to live well behind that confident look. But I do not know what to do besides seeing, hearing and feeling.

What can one do when she has already allowed God to break her heart for what breaks His? What can one do when the King shows her something she is afraid to see? What can one do when obeying Him means separation from her own dream, passion, comfortable life and even her own self?

Separation.

Was not this what the Lord did when He created the world? Did not He separate the light from darkness and, therefore, create time for us? Did not He separate water so there would be land and oceans for us to work and enjoy? And did not He separate man and woman from other animals, and call them His own, so they could tend and rule with Him? In the beginning, everything came into being for a purpose – God’s purpose.

One thing I learned during class the other day was – there is order to God’s creation. Before Genesis 1, there was nothing in the world except darkness. Nothing was functioning or serving a purpose. The void was just one useless space. For people in the ancient near east, where the word of God was originated and spread around, anything without use, function, role or purpose would not come into existence in the first place. So when the Lord began to separate this and that and started to call the names of the sun, the moon, the stars, the ocean and the animals, He had something specific in mind for each creation. And He definitely had a grand purpose for human as well. 

When God made human, He imparted something unique and extraordinary that other living things did not share – feelings, or I would put it in this post – yearnings. Being created in His image, we partake in His heart for the broken world – this longing for healing and reconciliation. When you see a child naked, will you ignore him or clothe him with your own shirt? When a mom with frail baby slung over her shoulders beg you for food or money, will you walk away or will you quickly go into a nearest shop to buy some bread for them? When a homeless man wanders into your lawn, will you shoo him away or invite him in for a cool shade and a cup of cold water?

Brokenness we see nowadays is not what He intended: domestic violence, corrupted governments, resentful nations and bitter church congregations. We all know that when the Lord created this world, everything was good and in order. His purpose for humanity is so that EVERYONE can enjoy this relationship with Him and worship Him. But until we realize and truly understand how fearfully and wonderfully we were made, whom we belong to and why we are even here, we will not be able to fulfill God’s purpose in the world. 

Will we not help one another to bring the beauty within each of us out? Will we not allow our hearts to be broken for what breaks Him? Will we not use our god-given talents to serve our families, neighbors or even strangers? And will we not pour our hearts, thoughts and spirits in seeking and searching for Him in order to have more of His love every day?

We are children of the King. Let us do all this, and many more.

Soaking in Beauty

It’s 12:42 am. And I’m wide awake. Today has been a day of being introduced to people, resting and unpacking. My body is still trying to get adjusted to the time in New Zealand, which is six hours ahead of Thailand. Since I’ve been here, my usual “exhausted” time is around 9:oo am. This morning, my friend was almost late for church because I thought I would nap for 10 minutes. It turned out I was out for almost a half and hour. I was still very groggy during the service and tired most of the morning. Then, as usual, you get that back-up energy when you’re past the sleepiness or exhaustion. All afternoon, I cleaned my room, did the unwashed load of laundry from Thailand, unpacked, arranged my room, went grocery-shopping and took a walk to the beach! I should have been wiped out. But I am not. I did try to go to sleep but I had to turn the computer back on because I would just lie there with my eyes closed but my mind running crazily in the dark.

The highlight of my day was strolling around the neighborhood. Otumoetai is completely different from where I have grown up – both in Bangkok and Chiang-Mai. The air is crisp and clean with sweet fragrance of trees and flowers whereas all one can smell in Bangkok is smog and the rotten-sweet scent of garbage. The street is spotless with no litter, stray dogs or beggars.  Each house is carefully planned and constructed with beautiful touch of a beach-resort feeling. And almost every family owns a car – some normal and some fancy.  To me, this community is a whole new world. There is no trace of poverty. No tattered shirts or grimy faces. No yucky smell that makes you gag or the sound of stray dogs barking at night. No city’s pollution or webs of entangled wires dangling from power poles. This is like a Stepford town…except that these are real people, not robots…thankfully. 😉

And I enjoy it – this beauty…this convenience. It’s like God allows me to take a break and to recharge my battery through His beauty and richly-blessed time with people who are head-over-heels with Him. But I miss the dirt, the grime and the smell sometimes…because that’s where my root is…where my heart is. And I think this is the reason that God sent me here – to ascertain the plan of His life for me and to train me for His people in the developing world.

It’s a humbling experience – being reminded of the purpose. It’s so easy to get excited about new things and get distracted by them. Food, friends, church, people, environment, culture are all new. My eyes go wide when I see dairy cows grazing on the hills. My heart skips a beat when I watch the sun sinking and the sky changing colors from bright blue to pink to orange to purple and to navy blue. I almost break into a run when I breathe in the scent of fresh clean air with pinewood fragrance. I rejoice in everything around me and give thanks to God for the blessings! But, while walking back home, God reminded me – that I am His, that all I have is His and that it is my deliberate obligation and willful responsibility to live for Him, in every way.

And it’s not easy. When you ask God to give you patience, He doesn’t thrust you that abstract faceless “patience”. Instead, He shoves you into a situation that tests your endurance and stamina. Likewise, when I ask Him to help me live for Him, I am put in situations that test my faith in the Lord and give me a chance to practice what I learn from the Bible. The ways I respond to people when they are harsh or mean or when things are going exactly opposite from what I have hoped reflect my commitment to be all God’s. So my prayers come down to two things:

– To rise over each situation with wholehearted faith in the Lord no matter how hard situations seem to be

– To practice living out of the word

…That I may not forget why I am here…That classes will not be just mundane responsibilities…That this degree will be more than an education success…That I will continue to press on towards the goal that Christ has set for me…That eventually I will stand before Him, out of breath and all sweaty, hearing Him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant”.

So if you’re reading this, pray those two things I mentioned above. And, last…pray that I will be able to finally adjust to the time here and go to sleep at normal hours! 😀

Thank you! Kawp Khun Ka! Dta Blu! Whakawhetai ki a koutou!

Most People Don’t…

there was a piece of paper that slipped through my Bible pages. i was going to throw it away because i thought it was junk. but i had to make sure that it was not something important. so i skimmed through the passage.

“Most People Don’t…”

those three words ping-ping in my mind over and over like pebbles against a glass window.

i pause, “it’s true. most people don’t spend so much time sitting in front of a laptop and writing.”

and then it comes, “what’s the matter with you? why can’t you relax and be more like most people?”

you’ve had these words thrown like stones at you too, haven’t you?

most people don’t…wear themselves out in the kitchen because they believe a meal feeds hearts and fills bellies.

most people don’t…throw off their entire schedule because they take time to listen to the stranger in the grocery store having a hard day.

most people don’t…pore over spreadsheets until their eyes are red because they see numbers as a sort of art and a way of bringing order to a chaotic world.

most people don’t do what you do, love what you love, feel the kind of passion you feel about that thing.

i started thinking about this recently and i realized we’re in good company.

here, i started wiping tears that trailed down my cheeks, that would trickle down all the more when i continued reading…

most people don’t…build an ark.

most people don’t…lead people through the desert to the Promised Land.

most people don’t…die on a cross to save the world.

but aren’t we glad on person did?

if most people don’t do it, then it’s probably not the plan of man. there’s probably the heartbeat of God somewhere within it.

we need you, just you, to fulfill that purpose, complete that project, bring that gift to the world in a way no one else can.

most people don’t…but you do.

and that’s amazing.

i was transfixed to my seat, and indulging in the words that spoke not only encouragement but reality of Christian life to me.

this morning, while on my knees, i felt inexpressible sorrow rushing through my heart. it was because of His undying love for such ungrateful generations and of our continual sinful ways, ignorance, indifference, inconsistency and unfaithfulness. despite all of these ungodly qualities, God’s love continues to manifest itself in our daily life. my daily life.

while i was praying, i remembered Jesus standing over the hill, His eyes looked longingly for His people. and He, the King of the earth, the magnificent Savior, lamented for Jerusalem,

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”

His heart was broken for the Jewish. for you and for me. it was because of His love, devotion and commitment to us that led to  do something most people never even thought of doing. something most deemed foolish and insensible.

and that is the thing – most of the time, what He inquires of us in day-to-day life tend to look just like that, foolish and insensible. many times, questions rise among our families and friends, or even within ourselves, if we are in the right mind of doing such and such things. but remember – we are doing what most people don’t do.

maybe it is holding on to your purity for your marriage bed, or refusing to do drugs even though it means losing your popularity among friends, or quitting jobs and leaving your comfort zone to live for the Lord’s purpose even though it means obvious hardships on the way.

sometimes we get freaked out, and are ready to turn our backs on God. it is okay because we, human, are short-sighted. we may see only thistles and thorns, hardships and pains ahead of us. but remember this – God needs His people to do what most people don’t do. He needs us to be different when the world is mainstreaming everything and giving values to things that do not last.

so be unique. be different. be driven by His love. and be proud that God has chosen you to be distinctive from the world. then go and show your families and friends the way by doing what most people don’t do.

Be Present – a Lesson From Badminton

i should be in bed by now. instead, i am wide awake, listening to the clicking sound of my own keyboard typing. it is in the quiet of night i get to explore the inner part of me, the part that was hidden and cast aside during the rushed hours of the day.

have you ever woke out of bed and started doing things instinctively? we jump out of bed, brush our teeth, take a bath, pull out our outfit from the closet, get dressed, eat breakfast, drive to work, go about our day, drive home, eat dinner, read briefly, yawn, slip under the blanket and go to sleep. is it the same with you? most days, i do exactly like that.

one of my dad’s favorite childhood teaching was – be present. be there with yourself when your brain thinks, your mind plans, your hands touch, your heart feels and your lips speak. know what is being done at the moment and aim at the results. picture what you want for the final outcome.

dad and i loved playing badminton together. he taught me how to hold a racket, where to position myself in a court and how to serve burdies. he was an athlete. it was no doubt he was far more advanced than i was. but i dared myself to beat him. we were both competitive when it came to badminton. one evening, in the heat of my losing battle, when the sweat and tears blurred my eyes and my hands were shaking, dad shouted from the other side of the court,

“mink! don’t just hit burdies aimlessly! look at me, be present and serve!”

though i was young and didn’t even consider badminton as a career, i took the advice. i watched dad intensely, then looked at the burdie in my hand, threw it up and hit it with all my might…

if it were tennis, i scored an ace.

from that day on, i have tried to live by dad’s teaching – to be present in whatever circumstances, wherever i find myself in and whoever i am with. the moment is there for us to catch but, if we blink, if we don’t pay attention, it will slip away. and we might never get it back.

i am practicing being present every day. it is never easy, especially for us, women, who are multi-taskers. but it’s worthwhile. i literally instruct myself to brush my teeth, comb my hair, wash my hands, plan my work and do one thing at a time, as almost impossible as it might be. i also try to drop everything i am doing at the moment to be there for my family members or friends. sometimes the voices you listen to aren’t heard until you turn and look into their eyes.

working on being present is, to me, another form of meditation. it slows down my living pace, raises a sense of awareness of those around me and also directs my path. when your heart and head are clear, you hear the voice of the Lord even clearer.

the Bible scriptures show us how God is always present to us:

 God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble. (psalm 46:1)

 “Am I only a God nearby,”
            declares the LORD,
   “and not a God far away?
Who can hide in secret places
   so that I cannot see them?”
            declares the LORD.     

“Do not I fill heaven and earth?”
            declares the LORD. (jeremiah 23:23-24)

yes, i know that, though we were made in His image, we are not God. and we can’t fill the whole heaven and earth the way He does. BUT we can make impact in someone’s world by being present in their lives. your mom and dad. your siblings. your spouses. your children. your friends. your lovers. your colleagues. your neighbors. how can we influence these people if we are distracted and drawn away all the time?

what are getting your attention now? your facebook friends or someone sitting next to you asking when we can go out for lunch?  your unfinished marketing plan or your children’s plea for you to just take a look at their drawing? the corrupted influence over 100 people at work or the honest life-changing impact in a sunday-school child’s life?

living is making choices. even though i am still young and foolish, believe me, i have been to the moment of complete absence. i never realized i missed so much until everything passed away.

::time is of the essence. when it flows, it doesn’t return. be wise::

The Blessings of This Hour

Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you. – Psalm 139:7-12

i am blessed. so. blessed. i have heard many of these soul uplifters over the year – “there’s always the rainbow after the storm”, “turn your worry into prayer”, “God has got the whole world in His hand”, “mourning may last for a night but joy comes in the morning” and many more. though i knew that these statements were true, i couldn’t pull myself to believe that there would be such bright colorful rainbow when all that surrounded me were clouds and thunderstorms.

but they are true.

now that i am watching the rainbow, i can’t help but give thanks to the God most high.

for this year, i am thankful for:

– God’s truth and promises through His word that i can count on in times of troubles. when all else fade into darkness, His word stand tall and bright, shining hope.

– God’s enduring love. despite my tantrums, fits-throwing anger and hopelessness, He sees my innermost-being and loves me. i am thankful He hasn’t given up on me.

– the 2nd chance. i made a terrible decision this year and caused havoc in the lives of many. i decided to quit working at compassion because i felt that i was more of a disappointment to those around me than a success. but it was a lie i shouldn’t have bought.with His grace, my boss didn’t give up on me altogether and asked me to reconsider. grace of a second chance was sweet but bought with a high price.

– my family. i never make marriage vow but my family has shown me what “in sickness and in health; in poverty and in wealth” means. i am thankful for the friendship and accountability i can share with my mom and sisters. they are an example of what a warm and loving family looks like. a lesson i learned from them – we love them at all costs. we don’t have to like what they are doing, and we are required to warn and exhort them, but no matter what, we stick together with them, stand by their sides and  love them.

– my karen church. the friendship among youth group; the arena for me to use my talents; the unexpected love and care in the most unexpected circumstances and the fun experiences while serving the Lord together

– my job and renewed motivation. i know now that i am good and that i can be better. i shouldn’t give up on myself so easily when others around me have not. and i welcome the challenges because problems refine and mature me. i am not saying this with arrogance. the good start of something comes from being humble. i am willing to learn and grow, that is what i am saying.

– my friends at compassion. they held me, offered their shoulders, pulled me in for a moral lecture and many more when i was stumbling in the wilderness. they, as my family did, stuck together with me. God brought on a whole new level of christian friendship to me this year. sometimes you don’t like being vulnerable but it might be the only way you can be healed.

– privileges in life. i don’t have to be afraid i’ll get thrown out of a bus because i don’t have an ID card. i am financially covered when i go to see doctors. i get to eat what i want at the moment i want and don’t go hungry. i can even choose what i am going to eat for which meal. i can snuggle under warm blankets when it gets chilly outside and i’ve got a roof over my head, protecting me from the wind, sun and rain. i am paid to travel to different places to do what i love – writing and taking pictures.

…and the list will continue on as the journey with the Lord advances…

we have received so much. now it is time to return. i can’t think of any other way to end this post but ask you:

:: looking back over the year, what are you thankful for? ::

:: what are some ways you have chosen to bless others? ::

Wounded People With Hope

i have this desire to write something…to capture my feelings…and let them live through my words. but i cannot find any vocabularies suitable…or…worthy enough to describe myself at the moment. i am in a state of…mixed colors. i am in awe, confused, peaceful, excited, sad and curious. every time, change brings shock. but all you can do when change comes knocking on your door is to brace yourself and welcome it as best as you can…although you despise it.

the rain still patters hard against my porch outside. but in a little while…or a few hours…it will stop. and the cool breeze will tuck me tight and warm in my soft blanket. the dark night will wrap around me and sing lullaby until i close my eyes and drift away in endless dream.

with my soul being still, God will come and heal me. i am bruised. my nation is wounded. this world is injured. we have weathered through droughts and storms. we cry ’till our bones ache…’till scarlet turned dry…’till wounds turned scars. 

but change will come…for the better…like the rain. it may cause flood but we witnessed brotherhood, friendship and christian love. when storm sweeps everything away…when its power made the earth churn…it cleanses the soil of filthiness.

yet while we hold our fort, when clouds hover above us and hope is dim, look to the Lord and remember His unmatchable power and unfathomable grace. and come to Him…with the humility of heart…for when God gets a hold of us, He never lets us go.

“Jesus, we are broken people. no one is perfect. no, not one. we drown our sorrow in bottles. we hide fear in our cage of self. and we continue to do so with our stubbornness. forgive Your people, Lord. the truth is…if You chose to do so, we would be dead. You don’t need us. but You want us more than anything. and You love us. and i want to live a life worthy of Your love.”

God, A Loving Father

humbleness is shown not only in our action but also our attitude. we could serve a mug of hot water to a coughing person; stand alongside and offer comfort to those who weep or quietly listen to the teaching, suggestion or correction from our friends. but if, deep down in our hearts, we don’t repent, then the act of humbleness is nothing but the disguised pride.

God’s love covers multitudes of sins. yesterday night, while i was looking through my friend’s photo albums, i came across this picture.

i sat pondering on the love and protection bestowed upon the little girl and how content she was in the Father’s arm…and tears took me by surprise. the song “all my desire” by ray watson was playing and i could hear God speak to me, “all my desire, all i require, all that i need is in You”. 

it was a simple song with only 3 sentences. but it is the message essential to my ears and touching to my heart. why makes christian life so complicated? sometimes all one can do is to sit in her quiet corner with repentant and broken heart…and simply worship. let the Spirit soak Himself into her barren life. let Him heal her wounded heart with salve. and let herself be loved. because we fail so much. we crash into immovable rocks and stumble hard on the ground. and our first instinct is to blame others, is to be silent and play a martyr…not out of humility but of pride…just to get the attention. and then we run through a blaze of fire. we are burnt with our sinfulness. we can’t escape it. and at the end of the day, we crumple onto the floor, face streaked with tears…unstoppable and lose all our pride we held so tightly during the day.

and we realized that all we ever need is in Jesus.

there is nothing worst and most frightening than to be caged in fear. God is challenging me to accept myself the way i am and also take His love as it is. i am afraid of discovering who i am turning out to be. but i have to believe that the Lord is creative and His hand will never fail me.

“Lord, this change freaks me out. i don’t know what to do with myself. i seem to fail at everything. i am haunted by guilt and fear. it has been difficult, Father. but now i come to You…asking You to heal me, cure me and make me whole again. i give this self to You. please do unto it as You will. i thank You for You. when all else fall apart, i can count on You to be a good listener, a loving Father and a righteous Judge.”

Tears

i woke up being so intent on getting laundry done. but it was sprinkling at 8:00 so i thought i would wait until it stopped. two hours later, it doesn’t sprinkle anymore but pours. i don’t stand a chance of doing any washing today. 😦

it’s saturday and still morning. so my head is as empty as space. i wrote this last night and fell asleep right away after finishing it. indulge me a little, then. it’s nothing to do with what i feel right now. it was just my observation. but i’d be glad and thankful if you were a little encouraged by it.

“tears”

if i could store all my tears this years, i’m sure i would’ve had more than a hundred bottles by now. and i’m not writing this because i am sad. i just took a careful observation over my life and found that i’ve had quite an eventful and emotional year.

i may not be the most sensitive person in the world. but i am a feeler. so when certain people do something or situations happen, they affect me in mighty ways. i, honestly, don’t like crying because it is exhausting. shedding tear is one thing. but sobbing, man, always takes my breath away, literally. but i cry when i say goodbye to my friends; when i see a homeless begging on the street; when baby’s tiny fingers circle around my thumb; when i read, listen to music and watch movies (i shed tears as i watched “stuart little” today); when i watch the sun set behind mountains; when i get homesick and want to be with my family and i cry for the world, those who are lost and can’t find their ways out of the misery. yeah…i cry on a lot of occasions. i won’t even bore you with that. this post is pretty random and irrelevant enough. 🙂

but, from my own experience, crying is not only an expression of emotions but it also brings relief and healing. it helps us to be stronger when we are weak and most vulnerable. sometimes i cry so much i wonder if there will be an end to my sorrow. but like the Bible says, “sorrow may last for a night but joy comes in the morning”. i believe the writer meant that literally. the dawn will eventually come. and God renews our strength and refreshes our mind as we wake up each day.

from june-august, i cried for hours on end because of the heartbreak. i couldn’t stop the flow of tears that ran down my face. i walked, talked, ate and slept with them. i could relate so well to the sorrow of david as he ran for his life into the desert and dwelt in a cave with his army. but then the storm passed. the sun shone again. and i was able to cry for other reasons than sorrow such as the reverence i had for God as i worshipped Him, the happiness to get my life back again and even the fear of losing someone i love dearly. my crying is not so selfish anymore.

there is really no point for me in sharing this. but i want to encourage, if you happen to read this and are trying to hold your tears back, let it come. let it wash over you and cleanse you. tears are good for your soul, believe it or not. at least, you’ll feel better and more humane than trying to hold it in and pretend everything is going well.